Missive from Bads85: Dear Mr. Will Ferrell: Eugene is Calling...
A mysterious, unofficial Minor League Ambassador known only as Bads85 was not shy in 2021 about sharing his thoughts with us (specifically, our General Manager Allan Benavides) on a wide array of issues pertaining to the Ems, MiLB, and the game of baseball at-large. Rather than simply diverting his unrelenting
A mysterious, unofficial Minor League Ambassador known only as Bads85 was not shy in 2021 about sharing his thoughts with us (specifically, our General Manager Allan Benavides) on a wide array of issues pertaining to the Ems, MiLB, and the game of baseball at-large.
Rather than simply diverting his unrelenting e-mails into our spam folders, Allan Benavides executed a command decision and hired Bads85 as a full-time employee with the Ems for 2023 and beyond. Only time will tell if this was a brilliant decision, or sheer folly. In the meantime, Bads85 continues to share missives.
Dear Will Ferrell [Famous Actor and Whatnot]:
Being the huge baseball fan you are, you have probably heard of the Eugene Emeralds. But since we were a short season team before COVID, you might not know us as well as you should. Many people outside of Oregon only know us as the team with the very cool Sasquatch logo that is in intense negotiations to have Bob Costas to be our Opening Night announcer. We are now a full season team, and we would like to extend the invitation for you to get intimate with us this upcoming season.
Our genius promotions team has decided that June 9th is Will Ferrell Night at beautiful PK Park. As you well know, that is the release date of your new film, Strays. It is no accident these events coincide as diligent research is what drives just about everything we do in this organization. But I digress. We want you to come to Eugene that night and be our onfield emcees. What better way to promote your movie than to make headlines by being on a minor league baseball field? Who needs New York or Hollywood when you have the crack of the bat and smell of brick dust in Eugene (we really don’t have brick dust; just synthetic turf).
I must warn you: when you come to Eugene, you might fall so hard for the Emerald Valley you may never leave. Also, once you meet the front office staff, you will almost certainly want to produce our upcoming reality show that depicts the crazy hijinks involved with running a minor league baseball club while trying to get a new stadium built. Plus, when you meet me, you are probably going to want to play my role. I suppose that is acceptable even though I think the aging curve has been kinder to me, but I am willing to take one for the team here.
I am sure you are thinking, “Dear Lord Baby Jesus, thank you for bringing Bads85 into my life. I have been reading his missives on the internet for years, and he has been the wind beneath my wings for a long time. I hope to rule Netflix with this collaboration.”
I must say, “Hit the brakes there a bit, Ricky Bobby. The life of a MiLB front office employee might appear glamorous from the outside, but as Bon Scott once said, ‘It is a long way to the top if you want to rock ‘n roll.’ You gotta learn to blow those bagpipes before you ride with a crew as nefarious as the Ems. We will bring you along at the proper pace, but you have to know your sidelines. Will Ferrell Night is a tryout, so bring your “A” game.”
Friday nights are our giveaway nights, and we think a Will Ferrell bobblehead in an Ems’ uniform might be just the giveaway. Or a Mugatu bobblehead. Certainly not Buddy the Elf though because our surveys indicate that character induces nightmares in small children these days. I blame Generation X parents — you know the generation that sold its innocence for hesitation and cheap electronics. Our organization will assume that your studio will be the sponsor for this event and pick up the costs for the bobbleheads and house band. We will let you choose the band. We heard SNL types are into Styx, which we can sign off on as long as they don’t play “Mr. Roboto” since it once broke up the band.
Hey, do you think your co-star Jamie Foxx might want to make the trip? We do not want him to feel slighted, but you are the star of our show (unless Jamie agrees to sing; then it is a toss up). Your other movie star friends are welcome also. We cannot keep up with celebrity feuds, so we will not suggest any names. Our suites are selling at an unprecedented rate this off season, so your studio should contact our head of sales immediately so your entourage does get placed in the outer bowl.
I need to run. Costas’ agent is on the phone with more ridiculous demands. I hope we can confirm with your people quicker than with his people. It has been a process.
Your friend in baseball,